The text of the latest spam to make it through Google’s filter. Usually I have a relative who has died. Or I’ve won a British lottery. This one is fairly straight forward. Give me money or I’ll kill you.
I wrote back:
“To whom it may concern:
Normally I do not respond to unsolicited emails—but under these extraordinary circumstances, I am willing to make an exception. The thing is, I have a few enemies and I want to know who has paid you to kill me. I think they might be taking advantage of you. Normally my attempted assassins are paid at least a quarter of a million—so if you’re willing to spare me for a mere $8k, you are being drastically underpaid. This is an affront against both labor standards and a deliberate attempt to diminish my value as a target.
Please let me know who is trying to get away with this.”
If she responds I’ll explain that the reason I’m so expensive to kill is because I am a ninja, a cyborg, and a direct descendent of Rasputin. As such, I am extraordinarily difficult to kill.